Sunday, August 19, 2012

Day 19: Zen Zita

I’ve reached a major turning point in my life over the past few months.  In fact, I could even say that I’ve reached it within the last few weeks.  A series of events, ranging from the mundane to the extraordinary have led me to this milestone.   Some were sad, including losing a long time friendship.  Others were deliriously happy, including embracing the birth of my dear friend’s  miracle daughter. But most were everyday situations that for whatever reason compelled me to reflect upon actions, my reactions, and the underlying reasoning behind both of these.
I’ve reached a state of Zen with the world; I’m finally finding the balance between relinquishing power and maintaining control.  I have learned a key lesson which can be summed up by one basic personal “mantra”:  The only true control is self control. I cannot control anyone’s actions but my own. I will not allow the actions of others to overpower my control over my mind, my choices, my mood, and my energy.
If this seems overly simplistic it’s because it is. And I’m by no means pretending that I’ve achieved perfection in this new way of life. But, I’ve been tested on more than one occasion in the past few weeks with scenarios that in the past would have evoked very different reactions from me and I was incredibly proud to be able to instead answer: It’s ok. I accept their actions, and will not allow them to dictate how I feel about myself and world.  And then, almost as quickly as the frustration/rage/anger/hurt/confusion appears, it melts away and I feel at peace.
Sometimes it requires a few deep breaths.  Other times, it required an hour or two of prayer.  But usually, it simply required me to step back, evaluate the situation as objectively as I can, assess what is within my control and consciously release my desire to control whatever is not.
And- I’ll be honest with you-  I’ve quite simply never felt happier with myself and more at peace with the world than I’ve felt in the past few weeks.
I have a few goals I need to take on in continuing with this journey.
1-      I am going to commit myself to blogging at least once every two days for another month. This has been a really good experience for me.  It’s not about the act of writing, but rather the process of releasing my thoughts into the world. I want to continue that process.
2-      I am going to cull my Facebook list.  This is something I’ve been avoiding doing for years.  I currently hover around the 650 friends  mark, which is about 500 people more than I should have.  I’m going to start his process slowly, but with determination. I want my Facebook friendships to genuinely reflect the people that I care about and have a relationship with.
3-      Same goes for twitter.
4-      I’m going to go through the difficult task of really evaluating how I’m spending my time...and with whom I’m spending it.  Sadly, I feel that I’ve misallocated my time in recent months, taking for granted some of the friendships that matter the very most to me. Case and point, I’m going to see my very best and oldest girlfriend of 25 years this weekend...and I’m quite sure it will be the second time I’ve spent time with her in a year. Both times, she has travelled to me from Calgary. I have yet to go visit her in 2012. There is no excuse for that. At all. Time to get my priorities straight.  
5-      And for those people that are a part of my life, whether I like it or not, I’m going to focus on revising my expectations instead of being disappointed or frustrated by hurtful behaviours. I will relinquish my desire to "change" people or outcomes, and will rather change my approach. Ultimately, I must learn that I can only control my reactions. And that’s ok.
This will not be an overnight process, and I have no illusions about it being a very difficult one.  But it is a journey that I am ready for.
My life needs a lot more “oversimplifications” and a lot less “dramafication”.
So it’s time for a emotional cleansing.

Also, just for's a picture of Jason and I from 7 years ago (October 2005), the night we got back together...ish...

How cute were we?!?! :D

 This blog is part of the 2012 Summer Blog Challenge (31 posts in 31 days).  To follow along with my fellow writers, visit their blogs: 

Natasha at Natural Urban Mamas
Meaghan at Magz D Life
Aramelle at One Wheeler's World
Cliff at Peer Pressure Works
Tam at Tam I Am 
Liam at In The Now 
Jessica at 2plus2X2


  1. You are both still super cute and I am glad that you found your Zen my friend!

  2. Yes, please keep blogging! The Dulock Diaries have made it into my daily online reading rotation!

  3. I agree! I'm a new reader to your blog (encouraged to read a post you had regarding fertility by my doula). I really enjoy reading about your journey!

    I have to say, finding Zen like that and sticking it with is incredibly amazing of you. I'm full of OCD, Rules that need to be followed, etc. With an 8 month old...that's all been tossed around and I'm frazzled to the 9's. Your post really encourages me to let things just be.