Monday, September 16, 2013

DAY 27: On random, crazy Zita stories

I have writers block, so tonight I am offering up for your reading pleasure a top 10 list of little known facts compiled by my husband and hetero lifemate Conor. If it is isn't funny, blame them:

1- I once, in a drunken stupor, broke Jason's coffee table. I "fixed it" by shoving a yoga ball underneath it and later told my husband to be "Shhh...don't tell Jason" before passing out on the floor.

2- I was once almost beat up in the washroom of the Purple Onion because Conor, Jason and I had gone out "skank hunting" and had rather loudly identified a terrifying woman as "Amazon Skank", the rarest of all breeds.

3- I once met Eric Clapton and gave him pointers on how to make "Layla" a better song. (Again, I might have been drinking...)

4- I once told Eddie, the lead singer from Live that everything he wrote after "Throwing Copper" sucked except "Dolphin's Cry". He subsequently bought me a drink and dedicated the song to me during his performance.

5- Kevin Smith once used my cell phone to call someone and tell them to "Fuck Off". He also called me adorable and complimented my flask.

6- If could pick one place to have sex, it would be on top of Elton John's red piano. "He might be gay, but that piano is SO straight." I don't remember saying that...probably because of the rum I'd consumed.

7- I once, while being the only employee on shift, turned on a deep fryer in a restaurant to make myself one mozza stick because I had a craving for "just one". It was at Keegan's, so it's safe to assume that I had been drinking the booze that Jason and Conor had smuggled in.

8- I used to have a crazy habit of hugging random strangers on whyte avenue after a night out at the bar. I once almost got a guy beat up by his buddy becauee he didn't hug me back.

9- My favourite candy is actually called "Crunch Munch and Blow" only because it is the best candy name ever. I consumed a great deal of this wonderful delight after many nights of hosting Karaoke at the scariest bar in Edmonton. 

10- I am worth 5 points on the Gateway Purity Test for 2005. To date, no one has actually offered me a definition of what "being Zita Dube'd" actually means, but I suspect that far fewer people actually deserved those points than those who took them.

There you have it. Moral of the story? I used to be more interesting when I drank more. Or at the very least, less discreet.  ;)

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