Sunday, September 8, 2013

Day 19: On anxiety

I can't type today.

My fingers are trembling and the words are locked inside my brain, screaming to get out.

They are all caught up in a lump in my throat.

They flutter around like Monarchs in my stomach.

And I just can't catch my breath.

All day today, I've been breathless- deflated and wrinkled like an old abandoned balloon, shriveled from the memory of the inflations of the past.

The are going to take my baby.

They are going to take my son.

The child I carried in my womb for seven months. The one I for whom I was prepared to die so that he might live.

The precious baby that I grew at my breast, and swore on my life I would protect.

They are going to take him.

They will put him on a big orange bus,one that he's only ever seen in cartoons and pictures.

They are going to strap him down, ignoring his protestations, and drive away with him.

And when he cries, there will be no familiar faces to console him. No recognizable voices. None of the comforts that he has clung to his entire life.

He will not be able to ask for help. He will not be able say that he is scared. He will not be able to say if he is hurt.

Never before has his wordlessness been so tangible. So real. So terrifying.

"This is what we do", They tell me. This is their profession. They will take good care of him. They will see the words in his eyes, hear the voice of his body, listen to the whispers of his soul.

But They don't know him.  And he doesn't know Them. They are strangers to him.

And he will be terrified.

He will not understand why it must be so; that this is the first brave step into a whole new world of growth.

He will be confused. He will be angry. He will be hurt.

And I won't be there.

Even though I promised him I always would be.

I hope to God he will forgive me.

I hope to God I can forgive myself.


  1. Oh my friend, do not be so hard on yourself. Your little fella will probably have a tough few days but then he'll blow your mind with how great he does. This truly is one of those "for the best" situations, but man, is it ever going to be awesome. Putting my boy on the bus for the first time at 2 1/2 was horrible, so I truly get it. But, give him a hug and a smile, go home and have a little cry and know that this is the right thing to do. Hugs Mama.

  2. I had a terrible first day of school. Not to make you worry or make your heart more heavy, but its because I didn't know any English on my first day...

    We had a "bad kids chair" beside the door class room door. My mom already told me the day before how recess worked and how I had to change shoes. I wasn't listening to any instruction the entire day because I couldn't understand the words that was coming out of my teachers mouth. She immediately pointed to the bad kids chair and motioned for me to sit on it.

    Apparently I thought she was pointing to the door. Full speed little chinese me ran out the door and straight down the hallway. My mom told me the teacher called the janitor to get me, because she couldn't leave a class full of kinder gardeners on their first day to chase me down. He caught me just as I got my out door shoes on by the door and dragged me back to the class room.

    I still have the "smiley gram" notepad that describes my first day of lawlessness.

    From what your posts have been, I'm sure your little one is much more prepared, much more understandable and will definitely have a much better first day of school than I did. :)