Saturday, August 30, 2014

Real Bras

Tonight is another throwaway post. Why? Because I went out like a grown up and had a wonderful at a friend's theatrical dance performance. And now it's late and I have to be up early in the morning.

But as I close off my evenings and prepare for bed, I'm moved by a subtle and simple change in my life.

Lately, I've been wearing more and more real bras.

My daughter, pummelling towards toddlerhood like a speed train, is slowly starting to slow her nursing down. Day by day, the necessity of the staple of my wardrobe for the past four years- the nursing tank- is starting to slowly fade away.

This is bittersweet. Bitter in that I have treasured the breastfeeding relationship I have had with my babies, and this small step forward reminds of the fact that I am coming close to the stage where 'baby' will be a thing of the past for me.

But also sweet in many ways. My babies-to-me are becoming amazing tiny people. They are learning and exerting independence and are constantly surprising me with their knowledge, their wit, their curiosity and their unrelentless and bold personalities.

As my baby days fade into the past, they are replaced by brighter and fuller days of toddler, preschooler, and- soon- child, preteen, teen and adult. It goes by so quickly, and yet is so deeply enriching that I am left nostalgic...not necessarily "wanting more" but panged by a sweet longing and yearning that will follow me my entire life.

And while I am not there yet, I know that soon my body will have done its duty. It will have brought to life two amazing humans. It will have fed them, kept them warm, nurtured them and soothed them. And I wonder if, when all of this is said and done, I won't always remember their phantom hands stroking my body as they nuzzled into me, safe and secure in my arms.

Bitter. Sweet. Like so much in this parenting journey.
Happy. Sad.
Celebration. Loss.
Hope. Grief.

The yin and the yang of life lingering in the space between her face and mine.

It has been glorious to nurse these nurslings, and it will be sorely missed.

But to every time there is a season.

And I'm excited to wear real bras again. ;)


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