Day 15: On sexuality and my daughter

Dearest baby girl,

As I write this letter, you are only 6 months old. You are only beginning to see the beauty in the world, only beginning to learn of love, only beginning to discover where you fit into it all.

You find your hands fascinating. You find your feet hilarious. You smile at yourself in the mirror because you love the face you see.

It is an amazing face. Everyone agrees. When it comes to beautiful babies, you embody it all. I have no doubt that you will also grow to be a beautiful toddler, preschooler, tween and teen.

And as you grow older, you will come to better understand this mysterious, complicated amalgamation of cells we call the 'human body'. It will frustrate you. It will fascinate you. It will frighten you. It will free you, and empower you.

And, in far too many ways, you will think that it defines you.

Far too soon, you will become inundated with a world intent on dominating your mystical body. They will barrage you with clothes, make up, hair styles, and other products, each one making wilder promises than the last.  You will be told that if you look a certain way, talk a certain way, act a certain way, you will achieve that one true dream that all women secretly have: To be desired.

But, my darling girl, this is a scam. It isn't real. They aren't selling beauty. They are selling you a belief system that underlines that you, your body, and your self worth can be packaged up and marketed. And then they are turning around and selling a piece of you, of your spirit, to the world.

And, wily as they are, they will use every trick in the book to do it. They will tell you that "sex sells" and that you should put yourself up for the highest bidder.

And then, they will shame you for believing them and act as if, somehow, you are responsible for all the ills of the world. They will confuse you. They will confound you. They will betray you.

If you let them, they will break you.
And I am powerless to stop it.

Try as I might, I can not shield you from a world that is often terrifying and cruel because to do so would be to deprive you of a world that can also be wondrous and astounding.

But, what I can do is give you the tools you need to take on this world and make it everything you want it to be.

My daughter, I will equip you with the truth: You are not a Madonna and you are not a Whore. You are not a prude and you are not a slut. You are a girl, a woman in the making, and you will be filled with dreams and desires.

And yes, you are human. And, for the most part, we all share on basic commonality: We are sexual beings.

I will never shame you for your sexuality. It is a part of who you are, in many ways the most dominant part. Sex is a beautiful and empowering expression of self that I hope you grow to enjoy and embrace.

I will not shame, and I will not judge. But I will remind you that, like all things in life, sexuality can be complex and the consequences of our actions are very real. I will make sure that you understand these consequences so that you can make educated decisions that align with your personal values and beliefs.

Along the way, you will falter. You will make decisions with your body and your heart that you regret.  And when you do, I hope you turn to me so that I can help you confront them, move beyond them and expunge these ghosts from your past.

Fear not, my love. I made mistakes too. I gave my heart and my body in ways that I didn't understand or consider.

But these mistakes became a part of my history, of my sexual soul, and helped me to come to a place in my life where I am deeply comfortable with my body, my partner, and myself.

I hope, my daughter, that you learn to love your body of the future as much as you love your body of today.

And if I have anything to say about it, you will.

Mama Zita

Day 14: On setting a tone

Yeah, so I'm sure it will surprise no one to know that I am "that" mom. You know the kind who reads ALL THE BOOKS, and LOGS ALL THE THINGS, and generally overwhelms and inundates caregivers with every last tidbit of information they need to know before I hand over the caring of my child.

To date,  Sam has been left with only five people in the world without Jason or I present: my mom, my brother, my best friend C, my best friend E, and my dear friend S (who ran an awesome dayhome that we used for drop in occasionally). In the same vein, Charlie has never been without her father or I for more than an hour since the day she was born.

When it comes to Charlie, the reason is simple: she's a breastfeeding baby who refuses to take a bottle. But with Sam, the situation is made complicated by his inability to communicate in easily accessible ways. Therefore, all his caregivers have to be people that I trust completely and who have a functional understanding of "Sammie Speak". And even with these loving, engaged friends, leaving him alone has always come with a serious amount of trepidation. After all, when your child can't even tell you if he is hungry, there is a much higher risk at hand.

So, understandably, the idea of sending him to school every week is morbidly terrifying. I know that it will be amazing for him, but the fear is there nonetheless.

So, being the control freak that I am, I felt I needed to set a tone for how I want Samuel's care to go. This was not so much in terms of what to do, but rather in how Jason and I have chosen to parent him. I wanted to give his teacher a bit of an inside look at who we are and what we believe in.

Ever the strategist, I know that these things are usually best conveyed in writing. Together, Jason and I drafted a document outlining the values and beliefs that frame our family vision.

The document (which was incredibly short by my standards: only 3 pages long), outlined a history and our in-home strategies in more depth (including nutrition, sensory diet, pivotal response goals and outcomes), etc. But it is the first page that I am the most proud of. This is where Jason and I really dug deep to identify our cores values which frame our parenting worldview.  Tonight, I thought I would share these with you.

:) Mama Zita

Dube-Lockhart Family Mission Statement
Our family mission is to provide to every member of our family the love, comfort, support, and opportunities they need to learn, grow, and flourish to their fullest potential and live happy and enriched lives.

We respect the individuality and personal needs of every member of our household, while always embracing their uniqueness and valuing their authenticity.

We strive to treat ourselves, each other, and the world with kindness, compassion, understanding, and a healthy sense of humour.  

We believe that knowledge is power, that laughter is the best medicine, and that the only “special need” we have is to be loved and accepted for who we are.  

We are a happy family, and every day is a new adventure.

Jason and Zita’s Parental Commitment:  

We believe that children are born as human beings, each one having personal feelings, opinions, and points of view worthy of our respect and understanding.
We will not treat our children with any less respect, accommodation, consideration and kindness than we would treat each other, or any other human being.

We believe in teaching self-discipline through establishing developmentally appropriate expectations and by inspiring the desire to meet and exceed these milestones.

We will not use violence, shame, or coercion to punish.

We teach with love and compassion.

We will see both our children as individuals, equal but not the same, and each requiring a unique parenting approach personalized to their needs.

We will not compare their achievements, abilities, or challenges with each other.  

We will do everything in our power to give to them the opportunities and accommodations that they need to live rich and happy lives.

We will never give up on them, and will never undermine their abilities.

We will celebrate every milestone, no matter how small.

We will never lose hope, and will focus on the positive.

We will love our children and each other unconditionally.

Our Vision for Samuel

We believe that if we are committed to learning Samuel’s language, he will learn to speak ours.

We believe that if we are committed to entering into Samuel’s world, he will learn to enter ours.

We believe that if we share in Samuel’s interests, he will learn to share in ours.

We will never underestimate our son’s potential.

Day 13: On battles on the homefront

This one is going to be short.  Honestly, I have too much on my plate today to write a long, engaging post. So instead, a short mini vent.

A lot of Sam's specialized programing happens in the home.  For the past year, every two weeks we had a visit from our Early Intervention counsellor, Bev. Now, as we prepare for school, we also prepare for the barrage of additional people coming into our home to "help".

Don't get me wrong. These programs are great, and helpful, and I am sure that many parents love that there are house calls. But this introvert isn't one of them.

I *hate* having strangers in my home.  Even then, hate may not be a strong enough word. I loathe it, with every fibre of my being. It makes me want to wretch just thinking of it.

The sheer amount of stress that goes into one of these visits in insane. It is hugely invasive, disrupts not only my schedule but Sam and Charlie's as well and makes me feel an obligation to play hostess while simultaneously having every aspect of my home and parenting examined under a microscopic lense.

To call it invasive is putting it mildly. It borders on investigatory. And it gives me the shakes.

So tonight, I am on my third anxiety attack. Jason spent the whole day cleaning. We are both exhausted, and hardly even got any time to play with Sam what with preparing for the home visit. (That, my friends, is irony.)

So all you people bitching about the government spying on your facebook activity, give a thought to those of us who are innundated by the "system" on a near continual basis. From here on in, I will need to justify every parenting decision I make to a "team" of specialists who all pretend that I am "in charge".

But let's not kid ourselves. They are the keepers of the services. So if I want them, I'd better be prepared to play ball and conform or my child will go without.

As far as options go, these choices suck.

Mama Zita

*Edited to add:

Please do not mistake my whining for the belief that these services are not a) amazing, b) necessary for Sam (and everyone in the family), c) generally pleasant and filled with wonderful people who work their buns off to help make our lives better. I am grateful for the opportunities we are given.  Just frustrated by my own social anxieties amd obsessive compulsive behaviors that make these meetings challenging for me.

Day 12: On reason, seasons and lifetimes

Last night, my fellow Summer Blog Challenge participant and a woman that I admire a great deal despite my few interactions with her, posted an exceedingly insightful and sad post about friendships ending. (You can read it here: )

Since read it last night, I haven't been able to shake it from my spirit. You see, over the past year, I too have lived the same experience of watching a few friendships absent themselves into oblivion. Most of these had no "cause" per say. Our journeys just reached forks in the road that took us in vastly different, even oppositional, directions.

Simultaneously, I have seen myself drawn closer into relationships with women that I would never have predicted would mesh with me.

They say for every door that closes, a window opens...

This has made me really reflect on the nature of friendship. Why and how do we come to choose the people we give our hearts to? Why and how do these relationshios evolve, either in drawing closer or being pushed apart? How do we know when to "let go" and when to fight to hold on? And what of those people that you see only infrequently, but who nonetheless command a loyalty and love so deep that time and distance can not divide them?

I admit, I have been disproportionately blessed with wonderful friends in my life. Most of my close friends have journeyed with me for a decade or more. They have laughed with me, cried with me, grieved with me, and grown with me. They are parts of my heart and of my soul.

But, like everyone I am sure, I have had my share of transient friends, moving like nomads in and out of my life. Some leave forever, some drift back and forth before fading away entirely.

Each has brought sadness, but less than I would have originally predicted. What I have learned is that friendship is not a stable concept. Each relationship in our life is in a constant state of flux. We grow and change, and hope that those we love will grow and change in ways that continue to complement us.

And when they don't?

Well, just because a door is closed doesn't mean it is locked forever. Characters in the story of our lives appear and disappear so as to help us move forward in our own personal plot. This is critical to our development as human beings. As painful as it may be, it is important.

I was once told a quote- by whom, I wish I could recall- that sums this up perfectly.

In our lives, there are three types of people. Those who are there for a reason. Those who are there for a season.  And those who are there for a lifetime.

Each type is equally valuable- but recognizing the difference saves us from a great deal of heart ache.

I am grateful for all the people who have shared my journey. And for those who have fallen distant along the years, tonight I raise my glass to you, for it was you who helped make me the person that I am. I hope you cup also overflows with 'lifetime' friends.

Good night!
Mama Zita

Day 11: On the end of an era...

Tonight, after 12 years, B Street bar, the best Karaoke Bar in Edmonton, closed its final weekend in this format. Tomorrow, it begins its new life as a live music venue.

12 years...
I celebrated my 21st birthday there.
I started, and partially ended, a long term relationship there.
I laughed.
I cried.
I fell down drunk there.

One post could never contain all the memories, all the nostalgia.

But I am glad the old gang got together to relive it, if only for one night.

I feel like a part of me is officially closing the door on my youth.

Goodbye, B Street. It's been quite the ride.

Mama Zita

Day 10: On posting for the sake of posting

I am working really hard lately at finding my drive again, that inner sense of push towards accomplishment. I used to be an extremely "accomplished" person. I did a lot, and most of it I did rather well. Whether it was sitting on a dozen committees or pounding out a 20 page paper in two days and still acing it, I was known for being able to "do"  a lot, usually in a small amount of time.

But when I got sick, nine years ago, all of my drive got refocused into "getting better" and life, in all its craziness, kind of kept up that pace of 'survival is enough' since then.

But now, six years in remission, I am finding that I am done with acting like I am still in "survival" mode. I want to thrive, flourish and adore life the way I used to.

So I am setting myself "me" focused goals, focusing on reigniting passions that I'd long abandoned.  Music, writing,  even physical activity, have become new journeys of rediscovery.

And to do this, I sometimes have to force myself to accomplish, even when I don't always feel up to it.

So tonight is another exercise in follow through, and a small step towards that goal.  I committed to blogging, 30 days, no matter what.

And so tonight, you get rambles. The words don't mean all that much. But the fact that I wrote them means everything.

Day 9: On Charlie...

I've noticed that I spend a disproportionate amount of my writing talking about Sammie, too often forgetting to write about my daughter.

Part of that is owing to the fact that a lot of our lives revolve around meeting his unique needs. Part of it is habit- I've spent three years plus focusing on Sammie and it can be hard to get my brain away from comparing my internal notes on how much he's grown and evolved as a human being. And part of it is simply that I've gotten to know him more. He and I had years together before we even dreamt of a little girl, and even now she has to share attention with him all the time.

Regardless of the reasons, valid or not, it's a habit I am intent on changing. While she may not be the "squeaky" wheel, my baby girl is crazy interesting and awesome. And the world needs to know it.

So here is my post, dedicated entirely to my teeny tiny baby girl, Charlize, who never goes by her full name. To me, and to the world, she is simply "Charlie".

Let me start by saying this: Charlie is a total dream boat. She's the kind of beautiful that takes your very breath away. Every feature is perfect, and was from birth. Even the nurses gasped and said that they'd rarely seen such a beautiful newborn.

But beyond her beautiful face is a beautiful soul that radiates from her everywhere she goes.

Seldom a cryer, Charlie spends almost her entire day in smiles and giggles. Even when she does cry, she often smiles through the tears as if to tell you "It's ok! I know you are trying to help". Unless she ie exhausted or hungry, she spends her life in a perpetual state of happy.

She is in love with people, and unabashedly shines adoration upon anyone who is willing to pay her a little attention. She has a particular soft spot for children, who seem drawn to her. Rarely does an outing go by where I am not stopped by a young child pulling on my arms, asking me to see her.

While very outgoing and loving, Charlie is an intensely attached to me. She rarely wants to be out of my arms for long periods of time and insists on being held as often as humanly possible. But as she gets older, she is discovering the joys of independence and is slowly releasing her vice-like grip. ;)

An avid music lover, Charlie has been instantly soothed by song since her first hour of life. Her favourite seems to be the theme song from Bonanza, but only when Daddy sings it. ;)

By four months, she was already "singing along" with me and has been working hard on forming her first words. She's even said "mama" a handful of times...but I'd be lying if I said I thought it was intentional. ;)

In many ways, she is already night and day different from her brother. But they have many similarities too, and she is crazy about her big bro. She wants to be just like him, and has decided to start by being a night owl. Even as I type this, nursing her in bed, she is looking up at me with gleeful eyes and a half smirk on her lips.

I could never have dreamt that I would be able to love another child as much as I love Sammie. What I didn't know is that the miracle of a mother's heart is its ability to grow exponentially in size, making room for new loves, adventures amd experiences without ever giving up on the old ones.

I've only just begun the journey of discovering Charlie, amd every day brings new joys along the way. I am eternally blessed for the gift of her, and fall even more madly in love with her every day.

Mama Zita