2013 In Review

2013: A year in review

Amazingly enough, this is a tradition that dates back 8 years! Welcome to the 2013 edition.

Sum Up Your Year In A Nutshell: 

2013: Last year, I ended this post by saying that "2013 will have its work cut out for it if its going to top this one." Amazingly enough, I think it did. This year was one of the most eventful, exhausting, amazing years of my life. I have become a better mother, friend, wife and person than I ever thought I could- and have learned that I still have much work to do on all those fronts before becoming the person I really want to be.  This was a year of birth, of renewal and of growth. It was also a year of endings, of turbulence and of hardship. It was an exceptional year on all fronts, and I'm glad it's over. ;)

1) What did you do in 2013 that you have never done before?

Held my daughter in my arms. Charlize Andree-Anne was welcomed into our family on February 20th, 2013. 

2) Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions and will you make more next year?

Last year's answer: Yes, and no. (See next post). I will be making new "resolutions", but these are more guiding principles than actual tangible goals.  The one thing I am learning to (slowly) accept is that life has a way of handing you unpredictable hurdles and that- while goals are important- focusing on flexibility and adaptability are more important life skills for me than accomplishing specific tasks. 

This year's answer: I think that, for the most part, I met the goals I outlined for myself last New Years. I have come a long way in terms of flexibility and rolling with life's punches.  

My "word" for the 2014 is "ADAPTABILITY"- this has also become my life's mantra.  It's a life long journey, but I have the two best tour guides in the world ;)

3) Did someone close to you give birth in 2013?

Yes! SO MANY BABIES! 

Mine was the first of the 2013 babies in my life, but quick on my heels were baby Hailey, baby Ethan, Baby Sophia, and Baby Flynn (to name just a few from my closest friends). 
4) Did someone close to you die?

No one close to me died, but I did feel the grief of friends of mine who lost their loved ones this year. My heart continues to with them.  

5) What countries did you visit?

This was the first year in forever that we didn't go anywhere. Like, we didn't even leave central Alberta except for a few trips to Stettler and Calgary. Wow. We're lame. Also, traveling with Sam is a task easier said than done.

6) What did you lack in 2013 that you would like more of in 2014? 

Time. I never seem to have enough time.

7) What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory? 
February 20th, the day my heart grew two whole sizes!

Also, Sam's first day of school, Charlie's first Christmas, Sam's first Christmas concert, and every single word my son spoke for the first time. <3 Also, this year we finally "officially" welcomed a new sister into our family in a perfect wedding that made me smile from cheek to cheek! 

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
Balancing a newborn, special needs parenting, school schedules, various appointments/therapies, social programming, sensory diets, food restrictions/aversions, taking on a musical, and going back to work has been tremendously difficult. Most days I come out unscathed. That's an achievement, right?

9) What was your biggest failure?
While I'm not sure I would characterize it as a "failure", per say, failing to account for "me" time was something I really struggled with. I definitely need to find the time for the everyday "me" things (she types, as she sits, unshowered and in her pajamas, with a sleeping baby balancing on her lap.)

10) Did you suffer injury or illness?
The "saga" of fertility/pregnancy/labour health related issues ended with a relatively easy  Some complications arising from the birth, but nothing compared to what we had experienced in the past. While it is hard to accept that my "child bearing years" are past me, despite the fact that I would probably continue to have kids until I had my own colony, I know that our family is finally complete with Charlie's arrival.

11) What was the best purchase you made? 
My Blentec was amazing. Going gluten free/dairy free with Sam came with many challenges, the biggest being that we now have to make almost all our food from scratch. I would be lost without that thing. Also, we just got a new Macbook- it was definitely time to retire the old one, which served us faithfully for over 6 years.

12) Whose behaviour merited the most celebration?
This always a really tough one. I am surrounded by some amazing people. But this year, the answer is a LOT easier than it has been in the past. The one person who blew my mind this year with his achievements is unquestionably Sammie. Every day, in every way, I am amazed at the little man he is becoming. He takes on his obstacles with grace and determination, and a presence of mind that many adults would be well served by. While we still have a long road ahead of us when it comes to meeting all of his needs, Sammie's development is a daily reminder that he is EXACTLY who he is meant to be and that his potential is truly untapped and endless. I am so very proud of him, and so much better for having him in my life.

13) Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? 
As always, I will not name names nor will I point out one or two people. Instead, I will chose to focus on specific behaviours and patterns that particularly annoyed me this year. 

There is one thing in particular that I have learned that I have little patience for: parents who treat their children as inconveniences to be managed instead of human beings to be loved, respected, and uplifted.  

In the world of special needs parenting, we have definitely been exposed to all types of families and while I certainly can not tell anyone how to live their lives, there is very little more heartbreaking than hearing parents talk about how "hard" or "awful" or "bad" their children are. Yes, sometimes it is definitely challenging to have a child with a disability. But these are not "bad" kids. And you don't deserve praise or a medal for having a "harder time" with them than other parents do. The fact of the matter is that parenting is hard. It is hard for special needs parents and it is hard for non-special needs parents. But it's what you signed up for. You owe it to your children to give it your all, and not blame them for the things that go wrong in your life.

So yeah, that was probably my biggest pet peeve this year.

14) Where did most of your money go?

Actually, we made some surprisingly good financial decisions this year and are ending it consumer debt free. We still spend a lot more on luxuries than we need to, but our priorities have shifted to providing our kids with everything they need. This was definitely the year that we matured into responsible financial adults, and I am really proud of that.

15) What did you get really really excited about?

Overall, it was an exciting year, but the birth of Charlie was the one thing I got "really" excited about. She is a wonder- a true force to be reckoned with. I've never met a person quite like her and I can't wait to see the beautiful woman she will grow into. (But I am terrified of the toddler years, because she has a VERY spirited side to her...)

16) What song will always remind you of 2013?
"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"- the first song Sammie ever hummed intentionally. Hearing him sing, with absolutely perfect pitch, was one of the greatest moments of my life.  This is followed closely by "Up On The Rooftop", the first song that Sam ever "joined in" with, giving a hearty "ho ho ho" during the chorus while his dad, uncle, aunt and I caroled down Candy Cane Lane. It was amazing. 


17) Compared to this time last year, are you?
Happier or hardened? Happier. I don't know if I've ever been this happy. And I think most of the "hardened" side of me has softened out, alone with my waistline ;)
Thinner or fatter? Thinner. I was in my third trimester with Charlie this time last year. And, overall, I am thinner this year than I have been in many, many years- and hopefully this trend will continue.
Richer or poorer? Richer- in more ways than one.

18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
I always wish that I would spend more time actually playing with my kids, but the one thing I really wish is that I'd had more one on one with Jason. Charlie is a very high maintenance baby and we only got our first date night in December of this year. Even then, it was short and very stressful for her (and my poor mom, who had to listen to her cry.)  I am looking forward to getting some more time with Jason as Charlie becomes a better sleeper...fingers crossed.

19) What do you wish you'd less of?
I wish I'd spent less time arguing with strangers on Facebook. I have this "debater" side to me that constantly feels the need to discuss every topic, no matter how futile the discussion. This has caused me a great deal of unnecessary stress and it is something I plan on better managing next year.

20) How did you spend Christmas?
Surrounded by my family and friends. It was a lovely holiday, filled with "ho ho ho".

21) Did you fall in love in 2013?
More and more every day. I could not be more deeply in love with my husband if I tried, and I am deeply grateful for the life we have built together.

22) Any one night stands? 
Nope.Ha ha. This question makes me laugh every year. I've never really been the "one night stand" kind of person to begin with.

23) What was your favourite program?
I'm a creature of habit, so my favourites are the same every year (West Wing, Lost, 24, Community, etc.) but I did greatly enjoy watching "How I Met Your Mother" this year. I also have a seriously guilty pleasure for "Gossip Girl"- it's like a flashback of all the trashy teen novels I used to love as a kid. 


24) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate last year?
I have released myself of hatred. That sounds corny, but it's true. I did end several relationships, some with more sadness than others, but I have absolutely no ill will towards any of them. 

25) What was the best book you read?
I admit- I LOVED the "Hunger Games"...

26) What was your greatest musical discovery?
 This may not be the answer this question is looking for, but this year I "rediscovered" my love of musical theater and stage work and will be beginning 2014 with "Tales of Two Cities". I'm definitely dusty and rusty, but am having a wonderful time with the production.

27) What did you want, and get?
Baby, out on the outside of my belly. Mission: Accomplished. ;) Also, a new espresso machine. This sleep deprived mom needs all the caffeine she can get.


28) What did you want, and not get?
Not much, actually. We are finally in a place where if we want something, we can get it. Though we did buy a whole bunch of new flooring which we haven't had a chance to put in yet. So yeah, that's annoying. 


29) Favourite film of this year?
Man, I really didn't watch many movies this year. I enjoyed "Les Mis", for the nostalgia more than the performances. I thought "The Sessions" to be really moving as well. And my drunken, live tweeting marathon of Twilight was epic and awesome. 

30) What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
We went swimming to Servus. It was all very dramatic- my brother's badge got stolen and police got involved. It was crazy and chaotic. But all turned out well and the badge was recovered.


31) What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More sleep. The lack of sleep definitely made this one a more challenging one than in the past. May was particularly difficult, as Sam's sleep had regressed down to 2 or 3 hours a night, total. But since going gluten free, we have seen massive improvements on this front. Now, if only we could convince his sister to follow suit...


32) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Um. "It's clean. It'll do." I finally bought myself an ENTIRELY new wardrobe last week. I will be starting off 2014 by purging any piece of clothing that is older than 3 years and/or too damn big for me.

33) What kept you sane? Family, friends and Sammie and Charlie's awesomeness.

34) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I don't really have celebrity crushes. They really aren't my thing.

35) What political issue stirred you the most? 
Probably the Remand Strike. Followed closely by the overly dramatized "Fatal Care" series, that proved to me that journalists care more about themselves than the safety of our most vulnerable population. Many idols fell that week...

36) Who do you miss?
My dad. And my family/friends who are far away.

37) Who was the best new person you met? 
I met many amazing new people, most specifically linked to Sammie's school. But the one person who has made a huge impact on me this year is Grace Wong and her amazing son, Marcus. Having the support and advice of a parent who has journeyed this path before us has made an incredible difference in my life.

38) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
As I did last year, I will sum this up with a few quotes:

“Autists are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It's that you're destroying the peg.” ― Paul Collins

"A daughter is a miracle that never ceases to be miraculous...full of beauty and forever beautiful...loving and caring and truly amazing." -- Deanna Beisser

"
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close." Pablo Neruda 

39) Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:
.
"Everything (Between Us)" (Liz Phair)

We have everything we need here
We have everything between us
You have nothing left to fear dear
Cause it ain't ever gonna leave us

We might get a room downtown now
Get away for a half day
We might drave a car to the next town
Get away from our family

Let your body move real slow
Tell your body we left yesterday
Let your body hold me close
Let your body move you
We have everything we need here
We have everything between us

You have nothing left to fear dear
Cause it ain't ever gonna leave us

Let your body move real slow
Tell your body we left yesterday
Let your body hold me close
Let your body move you

Let your body move real slow
Tell your body we left yesterday
Let your body hold me close
Let your body move you

Let your body move real slow
Tell your body we left yesterday
Let your body hold me close
Let your body move you

We have everything we need here
We have everything between us

He shines

Every minute of every passing day, I am rendered speechless by him.

He shines, brighter than the sun, breaking through the darkness between us to touch my spirit and my soul.

One by one, the smiles become brighter. His focus is more present. His eyes are somehow more aware.
He looks at me and his gaze sends shivers down my spine. He sees into me, through me, and I see myself through him. His hand reaches out to mine- a connection so real, so tangible.

Every day, more and more, my son chooses to step out of his world and into mine.

We connect and are one with each other, happily co-existing...different but complimentary, built for each other, despite our different outlooks and understandings. There is a growing peace between us. I no longer fear this unknown journey. He reminds me to always have faith that we are exactly as we are meant to be, perfect in our imperfections.

He is happiness, incarnate.

Today was Sammie's first Christmas concert.

It may sound mundane to some, but for me this was a milestone that I have dreamt of since I first began to envision my life as a mother. To celebrate family, peace, love and laughter with my child is, to me, the very essence of what it means to be a parent. It is a time that unites us and where every miracle seems possible.

Today was one of those days that reminded me of just how far we have come on our journey together. Today was filled with miracles.

As I walked into the crowded room, literally bursting with noise, excitement and anticipation, I made a rookie move. I couldn't help myself. I desperately wanted to see my boy- to show him that I was here, ready and waiting to celebrate this happy occasion with him.

It didn't take me long to find him, squirming in the arms of his aid, his piercing eyes taking in all the activity around him.

His eyes found mine, and we connected.

I was thrilled and waved enthusiastically to him! "Hi baby!"

It took him a second to register what was happening...Mom was here!

And he decided that he DESPERATELY wanted to say hi as well.

Of course, this wasn't the time for visiting. Sammie had to wait with his class. They were the first the go on the stage, and he needed to be ready.

And so there were tears of anger and frustration at being held back from coming to welcome me.

I'll admit, a part of my heart broke watching him struggle. I wanted to take him into my arms and reassure him that everything would be alright.

But there was also a part of me that was joyful. He *wanted* me. He *needed* me. He knew that I was there, was aware of me despite the crowd, and wanted to come to me.  And while I wish he didn't feel so frustrated in that moment, my heart soared at the knowledge that he knew that he belonged with me.

There is always a silver lining....

I would like to say that the tears passed quickly. But his frustration was not abated by any of the efforts of his skilled team. My little guy knew what he wanted and would not settle until he got it. So he struggled his way though his song (Up On The Rooftop) and at the very end, gave a big smile when he was finally released. He ran into my arms for a great big bear hug!

We spent the rest of the concert together, dancing, holding hands and playing games with each other as the other classes did their presentations. When he felt overwhelmed, he rested his face into the crook of my neck, the way he did when he was just an infant. He found his safety and security in me.

And from the moment he jumped into my arms, no tears were shed.

Parenting expectations are funny things. I know many people who would have been frustrated, even angry, at their children for being "that kid" who cried through the entire song. I know many parents who would have been disappointed that his bow tie was crooked or that he had peanut butter in his hair.  I know many parents that would have wanted to see him, sitting peacefully and obediently beside his teachers, waiting for his turn to be called.

In a different time, at a different place, I might have felt the same way. In fact, I know that I would have.

But if there has been one gift that I have been given in this unexpected parenting journey it is this:
Reality far exceeds expectations, if only you learn the cherish the what is instead of the what might have been. 

We do not count the beads of sweat on the face of the victorious marathon winner.

We do not

The victories in life happen when and where we least expect them.

I dropped the ball...ish

Well, sort of. I quit before the end of my NABLOPOMO challenge last November. I didn't forget about it as much as I consciously decided to step away for a few weeks.

The thing about blogging is that it is therapeutic for me. It is a place where I can organize my thoughts, share my feelings, and record the memorable moments of our lives.

But sometimes, it isn't therapeutic. Sometimes it is stressful and too much. And when it is, I take a step back- from the blog, and usually from social media in general because I find that the two go hand in hand. I don't step back because the blog makes me unhappy, but I do step away from it because it is time consuming. And if I am "unhappy", it almost always means that I have been misallocating my time and messing with my very delicate life balance.

So I walk away for a week. Or two. Or a month. Maybe more. It doesn't matter.

What does matter is what I do instead.

Last month, instead of blogging, I snuggled with my husband.

I read stories to my babies.

I had long phone dates late at night with my friends.

I drank a few too many glasses of wine.

I put up my Christmas tree.

I cleaned out my storage room (a project I've been procrastinating on for years).

I bought all my Christmas gifts.

I watched some favourite movies.

I took some long baths.

I spent too much time stressing about politics.

I visited with my family.

I played trains with Sammie.

I taught Charlie how to clap and how to say "HUZZAH" when she is excited.

I slowed down.

I made memories.

And, slowly, I started to feel better and I started to take control over the things that were causing me unhappiness and stress.

Because as therapeutic as this space is, there is no therapy greater than spending more time with the ones that I love.

So now I am back, and I'm doing another "challenge" (which I will write about right away). I can't promise you that I will be faithful to it, but I can tell you that I am going to enjoy it.

And if I don't, I will simply walk away and live to blog another day.

:)

Shadows

An old friend posted on a link that I shared over Facebook last night. The link spoke of Synesthesia, a phenomenon that I have been closely observing with Sammie since he was an infant. Synesthetes have a fascinating sensory perception condition in which the stimulation of one sense triggers unconscious and involuntary reactions in the other sense. So some synesthetes "hear" or "taste" colour, "see" music, and "taste" light.  Recent studies indicate that Autistics are 30% more likely to experience synesthesia than neurotypical people, and it is definitely something I have picked up on with Sammie since, as a very young child, he appeared to try to "touch" light and "sounds" and still covers his eyes and ears when there is a smell in the room he doesn't like.

My friend commented on his own experiences of heightened/stimulated perceptions, and I found myself so curious to ask him more about it. I was just about to send him a private message, when I stopped, fingers still set to type.

Where does one even begin?

You see, where once upon a time we were actually quite close, my friend and I haven't seen each other in around 8 years.  Almost 3000 days....

I've followed him- from the comfortable distance of Facebook- as he has explored the world, fallen in love, become a father....

I've followed and read with intent curiosity his shares about politics, food, and life in general...

I've laughed at some of the comments which remind me of why we were friends in the first place...

I've smiled, sensing very much that he is happy and exactly where the Universe wants him to be...

But it has been years since I have said 'hello'. So long, actually, that I'm not even sure where to start.

You see, I'm not entirely sure the person he was once friends with still exists.

While I do know that most people grow, change and evolve over the course of their young adult lives, I'm not entirely convinced that most do it with such a strong-handed division between who they were (and thought they would be) and who they are (and have become).

I can trace back, to the day, the moment that my life got split down the middle: Zita of Then Vs. Zita of Now.

February 5th, 2010. I was 19 weeks pregnant with Sammie and received a call at work from my doctors office. He was just about to leave for Mexico but "needed to talk to me before he left" because he didn't want another doctor to have to give me the news.  The ultrasound had come back with signs of severe abnormalities. The child that we had coveted for so long, that we had risk so much for...the baby was sick. 

The whole conversation seemed to take place in a blur, but I remember every word. 

"You're going to have to decide what you want to do. You only have a few weeks if you want to terminate. We can wait and see what happens, but that will make it harder for you to act if you decide that you don't want to go through with this. What you need to know is this: the baby will probably not survive the pregnancy, and if it does, it will likely have a limited quality of life. And you are also at risk- this could be very dangerous for you."

My heart stopped beating. And for that moment in time, all I could hear was the blood pulsing through my head....and something faint behind it. Another heart maybe? My baby's heart. 

There was nothing to think about, nothing to consider. 

I knew that I would risk my life for this baby. That I was prepared to die so that he might live. 

I went home and talked to Jason, already knowing he would agree. We would fight for our child. We were his parents. It was our job to keep him safe. 

We named him that night, knowing that we would want a name in case we had to bury him prematurely, inspired by the book of Samuel, verse 27: "For this boy I prayed, and the Lord has given me my petition which I asked of him."

On that cold day, almost four years ago, something shifted inside me and I would never quite be the same again. I realized, in a real and tangible way, that there was nothing- NOTHING- I was not prepared to do for my child, and with that realization, I walked away from the selfish young adult I had been and entered a whole new world of understanding that self-actualization only comes when the self is no longer the principle focus.

Prior to that day, I had already been a friend, sister, daughter and wife. I had already loved people, many unconditionally, and had fought battles to protect them and our relationship.

But there is something slightly different between saying that you are prepared to die for someone, and actually signing a document stating that you would like another person to be saved before you are.

On that day, I knew that I would never be the same. That every hope and every dream I had would be placed on hold- possibly indefinitely- while we awaited the outcome of the pregnancy and birth.

The rest is history.

Since then, one day at a time, the person that I used to be slowly became replaced with the person I have become.

My perfect, immaculate parlour with baby blue furniture? Covered in raspberry finger prints.

My dreams of becoming a corporate lawyer? Replaced by working from home, usually during nap time.

My business suits and designer glasses? Replaced by yoga pants to make floor time more accessible.

My love of food, and obsession with restaurants? Replaced by a mostly pesticide-free, dye free, corn/soy/msg/gluten-free, casein/dairy-limited, modified Paleolithic Diet. (Yum!)

My ambitions for wealth? Replaced by hope for government supports for families with disabilities, and a sincere understanding of just how good we've "got it".

My son's Registered Education Savings Plan? Replaced by a Registered Disabilities Saving Plan.

My vision of a wet-bar in the basement? Transformed into a Snoezelen Room and Gross Motor therapy space.

My idea of a perfect Saturday night dinner? One where Sammie actually eats what's on his plate.

My dream Christmas gift? A maid service. Seriously. How awesome would that be?

My Friday mornings? Meetings and training seminars with Speech Therapists, Occupational Therapists,  Developmental Psychologists, and teachers.

My super huge, pillow top mattress? Not so huge now that I have another baby snuggled up beside me.

My days of wild-child style partying until 5 am? Ha ha. Last night, I was breastfeeding at 5 am. :P

My life? Absolutely perfect, and I wouldn't change a thing. 

But it isn't where I thought I would be, and I doubt it's where others would have predicted me to be either. Sometimes I look back and am amazed by just how far off my original path life has taken me.

And so, in moments like last night, I think back to the those friendships of the past and wonder- would they- could they- have changed with me? What would we say now if we were face to face? Would we have anything to talk about? Or would we have so much more to say now than we did before?

There are a handful of people who walked the last five years by our side. We've lost many friends, mostly due to the significant changes I have described above. Many people don't understand. Many people are scared of the life we are living. Special needs parenting is not for the faint of heart.  It is full-on, 24/7, intensive and unabashed adoration of another human being (and in our case two) with almost no respite and minimal support.

There is very little room for "you" in this world.

And the "you" that there is room for is a very different person than the one you knew before.

I didn't grow, or evolve,  or develop.

I changed. Black and white, from one day to the next, overnight.

Pre-Sam Zita is a distant memory. All that is left are the shadows of the life I thought I was meant for.

There is no regret or sadness, though there is sometimes a tugging nostalgia.

But I'll be honest with you, I like this "me" a lot more than I liked myself back then.

And I have a suspicion that, if ever we were to meet again, my friend would too.

Maybe that's why we were friends in the first place.

Out with the old

I have been cleaning out my storage room for 13 hours, practically straight. I am seeing double, my legs are throbbing and I can't feel my toes.

All of that to say: no post tonight.  :(

Cop Out Post

I am copping out tonight. I am supposed to be writing about being a team player...and I will. Tomorrow.
For tonight, let me sat this: Being a team player sometimes means knowing when to focus your energy on your team mates so that you all have something worth fighting for tomorrow. So tonight, I'm snuggling with the hubby, eating nachos and watching Survivor. The blog can wait. ;)

#33: Lessons from the playground. (Another spin on getting along).

(Please read the background to this post here: http://www.autismorsomethinglikeit.blogspot.ca/2013/11/writers-block-33-7-17-47.html)

Topic # 33: Lessons from the playground. Another spin on getting along.

He stares out the window with a depth and soulfulness that makes me wonder if he is actually taking in every shade of refracted light stemming from the droplets of condensation on the window. 

He is so still and so quiet. And yet so present and aware. 

We pull over to the side of the road, where the green grass exceeds the height of the cement marker used to instruct me on where to position my car. I pull him out. He looks down at the ground. I can almost hear his thoughts "Mom parked on the yellow line again. Doesn't she know she is supposed to park between the lines, not on them?"

From the distance, I hear the voices. Laughter, squeals, and screeches of delight. Someone shouts "No Fair!"  I hear an adult voice loudly drowning out the other sounds: "Tommy! Leave your brother alone!"

He doesn't raise his head, but cocks his ear as if to acknowledge that- yes- he hears them too. More than that, he hears the sound of the wind floating across the wings of the birds that have taken flight overhead.  He hears the buzzing of the bumblebee as it hover over its conquest, embracing into its bosom the sweet nectar of life. He hears the rabbit, perched merrily on top of a mound of dirt, gleefully gnawing on a blade of grass

"But- yes, mom- I also hear the voices. I know that they are there." 

I look at him, waiting for a cue. He does not ask to go back into the car. I can press him further.

"Sammie Baby, it's a beautiful day! We are at the park. Would you like to play here for a little while? I can push you on the swings if you'd like."

I pause, waiting for an answer that will not escape his lips. I watch his face and body closely, waiting for the slightest movement to betray his heart's desires. 

It takes him a moment to lift his eyes and take in his surroundings. 

Slowly, he looks around, examining the environment and assessing the situation. 

He glances at my eyes. 

Briefly, then its gone. 

That means yes.   

He lets me take his hand and smiles. He knows I've understood him. He likes that we just "get each other". I wonder if he knows how hard I work at it...

The park is overflowing with joyful faces, young and old. There are blankets laid out for picnics, and shoes casually discarded in the sand. The older boys and girls are taking turns leaping off the top of the slide, as their parents pretend not to notice and attempt to conceal their anxiety. 

He is thrilled. He loves people and activity. He loves to watch them play. He wants to play too. 

He doesn't know that he doesn't know how...

He races off, faster than I expected. I run after him, carefully craddling the baby's head so that she doesn't get hurt as I bound as quickly as I can after his nimble feet. 

He stops in front of a group of kids, probably two or three years older than he is. 

They stare at him. 

He is different. 

He stares at them. 

They are different. 

He doesn't care. He smiles. He laughs. He hums. He jumps. He flaps.

When we don't have any words, we have to show joy with our body. 

The children continue to stare. 

"What is he doing" they ask me. 

"He is saying Hello" I reply.

And then he starts to spin. 

I hold my breath. I am being watched. I know that my cover is blown. We've been exposed. The panic rises and, all of a sudden, I feel like I am fourteen years old again, terrified of being picked last for basketball. 

"Leave that little boy alone" A mom calls out, from a safe vantage point in the shade. 

And the world stops. 

...

He spins

...

I am frozen

...

He spins

...

They are staring

...

He spins. 

...

"Ha ha! He's getting so dizzy! I want to try! I can spin really fast too!!! Watch me!!!"

...

What?

...

And now there are two. And soon three. And then four. And they tumble to the ground in a heap of giggles, their heads reeling from the sensory overload. 

"Wow. He's a really a good spinner. He doesn't even fall down. Come on, let's go down the slide."

He stops, and watches them go. He is smiling when he looks up at me. He wants to go on the swings. It is must quieter there- no one else is around. 

We stay, swinging away, just the three of us for another hour and I watch as, one by one, the group starts to dwindle down to nothing. It must be dinner time. 

He takes my hand, and we walk back to the car together. And as I lift him up into his seat, I pull him close for a hug and whisper "Sammie Baby, it sure is a beautiful day."